Ashes Divide VII - The dolls

Today walking on the wood bridge along the sea, I stopped pushing that baby trolley for a while and took deep breath. Looked with empty yet love in my eyes inside the shade, where they lied in nice warm blanket. They were smiling, and glowing. Both of them were like the only ones who were left behind with me. May be I was wrong about how good I could have been before. May be I never knew my strengths. May be this was the best thing I could have ever earned in my life. It was not till the day I discovered them.
Hearing the smooth blemish sounds of organ in air I looked back into sky and the violins surrounding me. Rising and falling with waves around me, I looked them again. I pulled them out like a child to play. My two dolls, the dolls that may not seem so beautiful to others. The dolls with missing eyes and heads open like an empty cup from top. I can look through their eyes into the deep sea and skies. I can look through them and they don't hide. Yet they were not demanding and most beautiful ones I could have ever imagined. Their lips were still so cute and they always smiled at me. They could stand with me for hours and they listen to me as I speak. There soft existence and the pure spirit always seems to enlighten my path.
She was right I can still fly, the only difference is that now its my soul. But honestly speaking its better; better than those limited skies I could have flied in. I hugged them as tight in my arms as I could and stood along the shore...

Guzar Gaya

Wo dair tak sunta raha meri rahguzar ki hikayatain,
Meri arzu ke hisaar mein wo afton say guzar gaya

Usay bekhudi ki talash hai kari aafton ki khabar kahan,
Usay uski manzil nawaz day wo musafaton say guzar gaya

Wahan roshni ka hajoom hai yahan khalwatain behisaab hain,
Mujhey benishan ka hisab day key mein ujlaton say guzar gaya

Meri aasteen mein saraab hai teri arzoo ik khwab hai,
Meree dasht ko bhi kinaar day k mein barishon say guzar gaya

Teray raaste bhi ajeeb hain teray faislay abhi door hain,
Mujhey meri manzil nawaz day k mein koshishon say guzar gaya

Meri rat jagon ka hisab kar meri zindagi ka nisab kar,
Mujhey khoone dil se daraz kar k mein ghaflaton say guzar gaya

Yehi meri raah ka noor hai yehi teri chah ka nishaan bhi,
Mere ishq ko tu hi kamal day k mein rahaton say guzar gaya

...

Ashes Divide VI - Embark on

The Dissertate

The same dawn of hopes for everyone. The same dreamworld. With a wish to see them again I opened my eyes to a day covered with bruised clouds. A chill in air that everyone can feel. With a numb feeling I realized it was time to face her, face my next biggest fear and closed my eyes again. I knew it was coming, I knew I was weak, I knew... All the time it was about my fate of finding my strength in her. With some empty echos I fell asleep again. 

When I opened my eyes this time the burning sun just blinded me and then I saw her shadow. "Wake up dear!", she said. "I hope everybody is lying", and she then looked into my cracked eyes reading all that I wanted to say. With a fake smile she said "It was so hopeless... wasn't it?".

I was just restlessly looking into her deep blue eyes; as if it was the last glimpse. She sat down near me placing that gasoline injection near me. She wanted me to move and react. She wanted me to see fly the same way I always used to. I was lying so helplessly with a great wish in my mind that the injection can make me fly. It was just all so quite with a hollow sound of air when she injected me.

"You were never that weak", and she stood up opening her wings, "You have to fly!". I looked her for the last time and closed my eyes. I gave heed to her feet walking away from me. But then she stopped and said " But if some sorrow comes to you, utter my name with sighs, and tell the silence: Memory is true - there beats a heart wherein I dwell. "

Ashes Divide V - Wakeless

Profane destiny

The sculptures of infliction and my body were meant for each other. With my swollen cheeks I felt it for the last time, all those feelings from my imagination; who were about to leave my head too. All those soft and immortal dreams, that soft water giggling around my feet with its chirping sound, that blanket with cozy and silky cover, those burning and vivid colors of sky everywhere around our cave, those clouds of love, those passions and all those unimaginable creative sounds... Something big that was missing! and I knew exactly what it was. I had no choice but to keep telling myself that its going to be alright.
In the quicksand of thoughts when I reached back to my only and last resort there was nothing. Nothing but ashes and black walls everywhere with a question on them! Where were my lights? Where is that blanket? Then all questions came back to me with only one answer, "You never had them!". I told my self again its going to be fine again and with a big grin and heavy shoulder I sat on that last place of my world. I saw my two lamps. They very blown out, but they still had the heat. They were covered in the ashes as if they were covered in hot snow.
I collected my self from pieces and tried to cover those last two lamps with fragile and broken leaves around. Resting my back against that ruin and looking up in the sky I kept waiting for that dawn that was never came... All those wakeless nights were gone!

The Embellish

I wish I could suicide
With a grace in your sight

Built around the temples of my mind
Some promises and confessions still confined

Today I walk with hand full of lies
Darker and deeper in the stains of your eyes

Spreading love with the lacerated wings
With an unsealed fate; so uncertain what it can bring

Wanna see your lips saying everything will be alright
Wake up! take me and fly

Because I am tired of this melting sky
I wish I could fly... with love I deny

May be

May be it was meant to be this way,
May be you have to walk away.

May be I've messed up with my fate's ink,
May be my angels changed the way they think.

May be the night stars can't shine anymore,
May be I hold this last drink for that ecstasy to sore.

May be I was glowing like fireflies,
May be it was before I saw your closed eyes.

May be that night was too dark and deep,
May be you can make me a promise before you sleep.

May be I am too numb to have tears,
May be you left me some more pain and fears.

May be I am searching my self-inflected scars,
May be I still look for you among the twinkling stars.

May be I should let them betray,
May be it's time to give myself away.

May be I've to stay up till the twilight,
Or may be it would take me a life time for your last sight.

Ashes Divide IV - The Ravish

Finally I am unplumbed

I was spell bound, so were the woods. The scranching leaves, and the knocking sounds with the guilt still inside me... I could have cried; but I had no tears left. It was me, just me and a paseo with no ending. Each turn with a new mantrap, a new face of that same old garish image. The menace grew stronger and stronger like a cactus growing inside me. A cactus digging deep down into my soul with scathe, purdah and absolute abstraction. I can see my self unjustified to everything; my words and thoughts were so inordinate. All these enthral yet outrage events were meant to happen, and I can fully see why.

I can see the novel faces, the novel faces behind those obscure ones. And I didn't had any hard feelings for any of them, because they were meant to be like this. It was only me who was living in a utopia. The only thing running like blood in my mind was to go back and see if the cave still had those mulleins... 

With a baleful look and awe; I stretched my wings to fly back, just like a delicate firefly in the sinister!

Numb

It's been a game of fate or should I say a contempt. Its really a desert with red sand everywhere. Shiggling view in the burning sun, with noise of falling marbles. How I got here? What happened? I literally have no clue. I was just a slow poison that had been there, and I've been ignoring it all the time. Its like a viper right in front of my eyes with its bruised skin, with a sounded air right out of its nose, and looking right into my eyes. I can't even flick my eye for second. Earth sounds like murmuring, and a screaming voice that I know.
Burning and numb feet, then a strong voice; tearing all the air... "You are the one!". Time prevented a lot from happening at once, but not now... It was the bloody fate of mine, pointing its dirty finger at me. He was burned, his eyes were gone as if someone pulled them out, ears were gone, limbs were missing... His single glimpse told me the whole story...

The last Odyssey

It's not homer! It's just a spellbound, unforgettable, and the most unfortunate thing that could have happened. Air creating a zooming voice with crunching bells. The senses backing on to me, making me focus on the tempus horizon yet to come. I made myself too fragile for you, I made myself too dead to everything else for you, I stood against the flow of water, and rushed with all the hope in this shivering cold night. Its all just echos and empty skies. I held all my fears in my empty arms and came to you, but at the end I am oblivion.

Each word from my pen, each character from my head, they are all are just fading away... where are they going, why is it getting so empty inside. A hurry to note them down and draw them out; so that I can't loose them ever in my life. But, then a sudden pause of reminder that its all useless. I will forget there meanings as well. I won't be the same; ever again. I can't stop it like tears streaming my eyes but this is it. Is this my last odyssey?

Ashes Divide III - Dreams on fire

And it was a smokeless fire

My closed eyes took a lot from me. I heard those walking feet behind me. They were around me, talking about me, and pointing there dirty fingers at me. Each and everyone of them. Opening my sour eyes I saw those blurred images and took a cold breath from my dried yet cracked lips.
Nothing... really nothing up to the limit of my sight; except my burning boats. Each boat for a dream land to conquer. Falling weak on my knees, feeling shiver in my legs, suffocation in my lungs and pain in my veins; I thought of those eyes starring at my back and judging opportunity for a chance.
It was time. Time to prove those eyes who I really am! But how? When I tried to stand, I realized I had no legs. When I tried to rise against that giant stone, I found my fingers missing yet I crawled on my knees to the top, crushing my each bone to its limit.
Breathing hard on the top I screamed; screamed for my own. But all I was left with were murmuring voices and splashes. Bruised body skin like a viper, blood on face, but still a creature inside me pushing me to stand. They were my dreams stitched on my body. I sewed those bloody dreams on my body and now each stitch was screaming to open up. Nothing but pain and betrayal!
I had to make a choice, between my survival and these precious dreams. I have to burn them!

Making of Esotery

So its been 6 months I have been working on this concept. I had that visual given to me by someone but took me three months to generate its feeling inside me. I took over 5 iterations to complete it. Each time with different model and different entities but same central idea. The first attempt gave me basic idea of what is it really gonna take me build the concept. The central problem that always persisted over all iterations was precision in the dept. So let me just give you a brief overview of what it took me to make it. In the first attempt I took a female model and that soft female entity destroyed the whole concept of "esoteric" feeling, expressions were too much abstract and one can extract million meanings out of it. Second attempt was an illustrative concept but colors and lights were just too hopeful. Third time I took a male model but again it went too much hopeful. The fourth time... well I was getting desperate and selected the pictures with no emotion again at time of releasing i realized that I should patient; and then after a silent wait I got what I want. After waiting almost 3 months and going through lots of catastrophes I found my expression. Here are the final results hope you like it.

View

Ashes Divide II - Tide of tears

And it shines on sky... from my quiet but unspoken soul.

I can hear the noisy shore now, screaming for the tide of tears inside my heart. I can see the sand starring at me, some with sympathy, and some with an evil chance; a chance to break me down and make me part of them. That huge dark stone with muddy texture now awaits me to stand on it as a leader and face those waves.
Million sharp memories were flashing in my mind. Each one bringing a new question inside me. I called his name, closed my eyes as tight as I could, and fell down on my knees. But I then felt the ashes felling on my face. They were tender and blinding me into my colorful past.
Sitting with my eyes closed and hearing our boat burning; I thought of all those times, all those moments, and all the dreams. That sweet flute, those rainbow colored clouds touching my body with there soft and cozy existence, those waves grasping me; where have they gone? Sweet tones and a charming sound with ability to give me powers were not there anymore, all I can hear were cracking sounds of the burning boats. With my shivering breath and broken body I brought my both hands together to pray someone to help me, with a hope that everything will be fine...

Ashes Divide

I can hear the unsounded. I can see it coming. I can feel it escaping like air from my lungs. Like a volcano it is just so unknown when will I erupt; or will I ever erupt? The faster I run towards it; the slower the time gets, creating no difference no matter what I do.  I can feel it burning in time, I can see the light, I can see people astonished by the emitted lights. The vibration under my feet and the brisk pace of my heart; that divides me somewhere in between the uncertain but a solitary feeling.

Those messages on the ashes; those voices from the tears, they always warned me for going back; when those decisions were written with a feather from my body and then I was thrown away. I don't want to loose this moment. I don't and I can't... I can see the last few blurry sights, smell the perfume, hear the vibrant screams. Always asking myself a question that will I ever make it? I still try to reach there, with a broken spine, bleeding feet, and the chilled breath. With each increasing step towards it I can see the rain of ashes getting dense, I can now feel what have I lost.

The tender air spreading it all over, the red and blue lights flashing in my eyes. The vestiges, the escaped, the unsaid, and my world of phantasm; it all disappeared, leaving few of its fragile memories behind.

A long pause ceased me for few moments... 

Its a wait; a silent anticipation of the unknown...

Afterglow

What is this feeling? What is surrounding me? Have you ever felt it? Like a pain running in my blood deep into my cores. A force holding my heart and making it push my blood even harder. Like chills of hopeless ends running down my spine and leaving me on a shore, where there is water up-to the limit of my sight and burning boats behind me...

I don't have a way back because I know its a one way street; but still I am worried and feeling the pain. Like swords being pushed through my shoulders down to my heart, making its way through lungs and make me as powerless as a new born.

Am I lost or is it just the origin of the unexpected? Like a reader skimming through a diary pages, the pages of my life are being flipped mercilessly and so fast that I cant catchup. After my success stories the pages of life are now inked with the epics of my failures and loss. I ain't quitting but I am just confused and pushing myself in this dark with a hope of light at end of tunnel.

Lets see how long this optimism is gonna be with me.

The Dissolution

OK its been a really really long time and now after skipping few of my work I am again feeling that I should be posting on this blog... :P

Anyhow in this chaotic situation around me, it is one of the feelings that I have perceived. The main idea is based on how on one sec I feel very optimistic about the life and the next I'm sure no one's going to come with a new hope. I lose my smile my appetite, my sleep. On the whole I am restless and walk around like a zombie. The idea of showing ruin and so much light is based on the feeling of laying a very weak bridge of feeling between the two. The idea of dissolving person is although an inspiration; but it fits so perfectly in the whole picture of this confusion; showing how time is consuming everything... Remaining blanks were filled by the model's expression; so here we are withe the end result:

Deemed utopia and purple skies,

A guy made of butterflies...

From the dark cores he came for thee,

but time has written not to be!

Sitting in intense light of fated betray,

he lets the soul die...as pure existence dissolves away.

And he waits for the end...as time swings away.

A beating heart she blessed him with,

A sweet faith with a simple twist.

As he got the wings to fly,

fate gave him some tears to cry!

From the dark caves to the purple skies,

Once I was the man made of butterflies!

At the end I will like to thank deviant art where I was able to find stock photos for completing this piece and off course the model itself.

Cheers.